How to survive a day at work with alcohol.

1) There is nothing quite like a shot of tequila to start a rumble in your belly and to help you move from a sleepy disposition to a rather energized bunny. At least when you get to work, there'll be something other than sleepy dust in your eyes.

2) To drown out the meaningless sound of your boss's dulcit tones when he drones on and on in Monday morning meetings, try lacing your tea with absinthe. Not only will his tales of his time spent in the Kruger become a comedic experience, but you may even start to see him as one of the big five.

3) 10am snack time calls for a tot of whiskey coz nothing says 'Hells Bells, let's move this sh!t along' like some Jack Daniels.

4) Lunch is the time when all the plebs congregate in the kitchen and you have to listen to people's boring weekend habits like 'I made pot roast but the meat was off so I doused it with salt and my husband couldn't tell the difference.' What is needed now is a clean, long glass of vodka. Neat. No one will be able to tell that it isn't water as it leaves no aftetaste and has no smell. Now sip. Smile. Nod.

5) I always need to wet my whistle at about 3ish and nothing helps me get through the last 2 hours of work than a gin and tonic. I always feel decidedly British when I drink it and it gives me that stiff upper lip to cope with the remaining bull of the day.

6) Home time calls for a celebration. Break out that rum and feel the magic moving through your legs as you kick off the rubbish of the day and laugh over the perpetuable crap that you don't get paid enough to deal with.

Acid attack

In the name of wine I drink all sorts of liquids that claim they were once grapes. Today was no exception. As Spring draws ever closer threatening Winter with its milder climate, I find myself reaching for the lighter things in life. That big blustery Shiraz stays in the wine fridge at work stays put and out comes the Sauvignon and Chenin Blancs. Unfortunately the pickings were slim at the office and myself and a team of experts (I use this term loosely for fear of their being a qualification war) were supplied with the following, of which we give our honest assessment:

These descriptions may offend but, we were ‘under the influence’.

D’aria Music Sauvignon Blanc 2011

Sprightly and gay was what I wanted, insipid and lack-lustre was what I got. Less fresh grass and more raw courgette. Less fresh exotic fruit and more ‘made in China’ plastic fruit.

Fort Simon Chenin Blanc 2009

I find that wine has the ability to bring out my more descriptive of expressions and my first thought was ‘this tastes like my dead Grandma’s Arctic Fox  fur stole.’

It was beautifully golden and there were hints of pineapple and the potential for a special late harvest but it proceeded to produce moth balls that clung to your tongue preventing the ability to understand anything those who sat next to you were saying.

It’s something you’d find in a retirement home behind a glass case that has never been opened because some old dear lost the key in her bed pan.

Hoopenburg Chardonnay 2011

If I had fillings, they would have melted. There was enough acid in it to strip a tank and possibly the bodies inside it. As we each tried to compose ourselves and prevent our stomachs from curling up and dying, we could all taste Cod Liver Oil and no not the healthy ‘take one a day’ tablets, but the oil of a viciously slaughtered cod-fish.

I strongly believe that had I been in possession of a bottle of this wine when I was repainting my house, I would have used it as thinners.

Jonkheer Africa: The Future. Together in Wine.

On Wednesday night we attended the launch for the Samora Biko Limited Edition Shiraz at 15 on Orange in Cape Town. We went with due excitement at the prospect of such a unique partnership steeped in history as well as the opportunity to meet and mingle with wine folks who seriously have no boundaries when it comes to having a good time.

The food was delicious, the speeches meaningful and the unveiled Shiraz, hailing from Bonnievale, was young yet full of potential with a nose of forest berries. It's a wine that will undoubtedly age very well and as part of the Jonkheer Africa range, will hopefully accompanied by other wines in 2013.

The gift bag was a big disappointment though. Comprising of a DVD and a black wrapped bottle, I was excited at the prospect of going home with my very own Shiraz but once home and unwrapped, we found that it was a bottle of Pinotage. The design looked as though it had been created in a hurry with the label stuck on in equal haste.

However, the entertainment was amazeballs with the Black Ties taking us through a range of croon-worthy songs in their smooth, chocolaty vocals. Yes, I did rock it on the dance floor along with Mr Biko and his lovely wife.

Mooiplaas

Every so often, one finds a hidden gem amongst the Winelands and Mr H and I were fortunate to do just that. Hidden down a bumpy gravel road and shielded from the world by oak trees and vines, Mooiplass stands just waiting to be discovered by wine lovers. The tasting room itself dates back 300 years and the trees are perhaps older still. The greeting you get is friendly and warm but the knowledge that our tasting room assistant demonstrated was mind-blowing. I could have stayed there for hours listening to her as she described the types of soil that is used for each grape variety, the pairing suggestions and the history of Mooiplass. The tasting is R10 per person and that includes as many wines as you wish to pair, I'm not joking. That is one of the reasons why I don't remember the lady who helped us *cough* I was a little, teeny weeny, tiny, bit tipsy.

The wines are lovely and the variety is huge. I never realised that most of their wines have won awards, even double golds.

For wine lovers out there, you must try this estate especially as they have a wonderfully meaty and smokey Pinot Noir that screams "Middle Ages" at you as well as a Cabernet Franc that has the aroma and initial taste of chilli peppers!

Bilton wine and chocolate tasting

South Africa is home of amazing wines and food experiences. If you've never had a mouth orgasm then you need to relocate to Cape Town and "get some!". I got some when I headed to Bilton wine estate.
Bilton has not been in my good books. The first time I went there was for their wine and chocolate tasting about a year ago and it was so disappointing that I felt like bottling my vomit and sending it to them. You see, chocolate is difficult to pair with wine because of the sweetness and the tannins which don't match. However, I am a big believer in second chances and so I let my senses be subjected to Bilton's new chocolate tasting course. Boy do I stand corrected!

Chocolats Marionettes (check out the delicious offerings here) is now on the menu and it is possibly the best chocolate you have ever tasted and the wines go perfectly together as if angels pooped them out. The pairings were:

Cabernet Sauvignon and Espresso chocolate
Shiraz and Cape Malay milk chocolate
Merlot and 65% Venezuela chocolate
Sauvignon Blanc and Lime infused white chocolate

I don't want to explain too much about the magic that erupts in your mouth when you combine the chocolate and wine because I need you to go and experience it for yourself and a little bit of mystery is very, oooh, sexy.

Why Women like champagne...

1) Women like to appear classy. In my eyes, and it is only my opinion so don't get bitchy, nothing says dyke alert more than a girl swigging a pint. A real lady wants to give off the appearance of sophistication and champers does just that. Even better if it is Bollinger.
2) Nothing gets you tipsier quicker than bubbly. There is just something about bubbles that gets into your blood stream at a rapid rate which actually makes it a very cost effective tipple. Men take note.
3) Women are prone to like golds and pinks which makes for a gorgeous champagne colour too. It just screams femininity.
4) Red wine can stain the mouth in a very unsightly manner. Champagne does none of that but instead, adds sparkle to your teeth.
5) It's in the movies. No girly party is complete without the fizz. (See the Sex & The City movie etc.)
6) Champagne makes you giggly. Girls love to giggle. In fact, we see it as a cute ploy to get men to notice us. What we don't realise is that sometimes, with bubbly, a giggle can turn into a snort. Even worse, try gracefully sipping your champagne whilst grunting like a pig and see which orifice it comes out of...
7)Women like to talk. In fact, they hardly ever shut up. Champagne is primarily used as an accompaniment to toasts, the boring part of weddings and events in which people can drone on endlessly (see movie Bridesmaids). Therefore, why would women not like a drink that inspires more yadda yadda?
8) Keeping in the vein of speeches and weddings, women often have a malicious streak and get satisfaction from seeing men struggle to drink from a thin narrow flute. As an alcoholic beverage, it is so unmanly that women never need worry about men stealing it from them. Bonus.
9) Women just want to get rat-faced and by doing it on champagne, they defy the laws of alcohol by getting pissed on a drink that really only promises a slight buzz. Congratulations Ladies, you prove to us once again that you don't even need spirits to have a good time.

From the expert opinion of a University graduate....(don't take it too much to heart)

Men, Wine & Sushi

Most of the men in my life are big sushi fans. Brett in particular is addicted to the stuff which I find as repulsive as shoving my face in a steaming cowpat. Nevertheless, I will not stop him from enjoying it and so, a few moons back, he had  his cousin and Wayne over to make their very own Sushi and drink copious amounts of alcohol...wait, that was me doing the drinking.
Having purchased a Sushi making dvd and his very own Sushi knife, Brett was prepared to tackle those salmon roses like a pro...his friends however, were not. What happened was a mess of rice, wasabi and tears, from me laughing too hard.
Wayne's first attempt at making a roll should go in the Sushi hall of shame. Dousing his seaweed with far too much rice, Wayne made for himself a roll the size of an 8year old's leg.

It got better though, and whilst I enjoyed eating pop tarts and drinking Bon Courage Red Muscadel, the boys really did me proud with their creations.

 I however, will never be persuaded to eat Sushi....although, i'll willingly accept a challenge off any Sushi restaurant that wants to try and convert me..*wink wink*

Rupert & Rothschild

Wayne has been moaning at Brett and I to go to Rupert & Rothschild for aaaages. He should have pushed us more. It is such a stunning winery! The rolling lush green hills and the hints of blossom on the trees make for one of the best locations to taste wine.
We had been told/ordered to sample the Chardonnay, Baroness Nadine. You know me, I'm not a Chardonnay lover, they are usually too harsh and vomit-like....this was the most beautiful Chardonnay I had ever tasted. As Wayne put it, I'm pretty sure that angels drink this on a regular basis. The flavours are divine, subtle, sweet and fruity with hints of nutty nougat. This is going to make its way into our collection.
We then tried the Classique which is a Cab/Merlot (obviously Brett was happy). It's such a palatable wine without the fussy airs and graces of other expensive labels. It's got a slight earthy undertone and can be rather drying but the hints of berries is rather lush.
Our third wine was the Baron Edmond. We were supposed to be able to taste coriander but all I got was the cigar aftertaste, not that I am complaining. Granted, it was smokier than the Classique, but it is still so easy to drink that you fall in love with it.
It was such a lovely afternoon spent in the company of gorgeous wines and beautiful views.

Amarula

Darlings, I have been away for too long and I humbly apologize. You know how it is though when alcohol is involved, days blur together and your memory fails you. Such a lot has happened in my wine world that the blog posts are backed up immensely and it has been hard to know which post to do first.

So let me start with a non-wine write-up from the adventures of Brett, the rogue, who took a trip to Amurula in Phalaborwa. This is, so they say, the Spirit of Africa but I'm pretty sure that people survive on stronger stuff, stuff that isn't in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, the location itself is rather magical and as for being "nowhere" it is an inspiring setting. The experience consists of tastings and a little history lesson for instance, did you know that the Marula tree is also known as the marriage or elephant tree (which is why there is an elephant on the bottle!) and the trees bear fruit in February and March. The Marula fruit is harvested for 3 months of the year and is then fermented rather like wine and afterwards is distelled in copper pot-stills. Maturation takes about 2 years in small oak casks and the liquid is enriched with pure Marula extract and cream to give that sweet and silky Amarula Cream.
On a tasting note, Amarula is as you would expect, creamy. Yet it has a hint of fruity sweetness. It must always be served chilled. Warm Amarula is repulsive and makes me want to vomit, it's like drinking off milk. A good way to have Amarula is in this cocktail here (uber yummy).

Brett said there were some rather delightful chocolates at the Amarula Lapa that he wanted to get me...note the word "wanted". Apparently it was just too hot for chocolates. Balls. *cough*

As an alcoholic experience, it's a bit of a ways out but if you are around that region, I recommend it for learning about the history and creation of such an iconic South African drink.

Amarula cocktails.

When wisdom and wine combine...

Fairview Beryl Back tasting

For a birthday treat, Brett took my mum, my dad and myself to Fairview and, under strict instruction from Wayne; we chose the sit down pairing option. 

As you may have read in my previous Fairview entry, I’m not that impressed with their wines so I was really hoping for something short of a miracle….

Take note, you MUST try it! It was glorious, so good in fact that it turned my parents into wine lovers and they hate the stuff. My father is more of a Baileys/Schnapps and Amarula man, the sweet stuff, and my mother is pretty much tee-total.

The table was set up with two glasses, a wooden tray of small bite-sized cheeses and a bowl of bread and 3 types of olive oil (very yummy). Our server was Patrick and he was wonderful. I can’t help but gush over the way he knew the answers to every wine question we could think have and he even let us have second helpings.

So, let me begin with the wines…

Darling Chenin Blanc 2011 paired with Goat’s milk feta cheese

Look: Very pale wine

Nose: Delicious hints of pineapple with an almost fruit salad sweetie finish.

Sip: There is a slight nose tingling property to it but an overall fruity sensation

Swallow: Very easy drinking but with the feta cheese it became harsh and uninviting

Darling Sauvignon Blanc paired with 100% Jersey milk feta cheese

Look: Still a very fair looking wine

Nose: Ah that delightfully acidic Sav Blanc smell is evading my nostrils which always inspires a bit of upchuck however, I was definitely getting a grapefruit smell 

Sip: It has a strangely potent fizz to it like drinking soda water which does get the back of your throat but not as badly as some Sav Blancs. It has a very zesty feel.

Swallow: I am told by Patrick that this was only bottled 3 weeks ago which means that some of the flavours have yet to appear yet the cheese adds considerable softness to the wine.

Fairview Riesling R35 paired with Cream Cheese with Sweet chilli

Look: Pale yet voluminous like a Botticelli babe

Nose: Picking up the hint of blossom and pear with notes of freshly mowed grass.

Sip: Got a delightful fizz to it like laughter in your mouth with some beautiful fruit flavours.

Swallow: Smooth and creamy and totally divine for a white wine. I find myself dreaming of lazy summer days where I would quite happily finish off a bottle of this paired with mounds of Philadelphia cream cheese.

Ooom Pagel Semillon 2009 paired with garlic and herb cream cheese

Look: Far more golden than its predecessors

Nose: Has a very straw/dusty smell, like a civilised barnyard in France

Sip: Incredibly earthy taste to it but a very classy wine

Swallow: Paired with the cheese, it was divinely rich and alluring with a scrumptious melon aftertaste. I even think my mother has been converted!

Pegleg Carignon 2009 paired with Cream cheese and French onions

Look: A slightly watery looking red wine               

Nose: Smelt of old leather and wood with a slight trace of strawberries and cranberries

Sip: Having been matured in French oak, I was expecting a kick and there was a dash of shoe polish upon first sip.

Swallow: Maybe because I’m getting a little bit tipsy now, I’m feeling a lot more generous but in all honesty, the smell was giving me flashbacks to high tea at the Mount Nelson.

Dad’s quote of the day: “The taste of old boots doesn’t do it for me”.

Petite Syrah paired with white rock with cranberries

Look: Luxurious and deep red

Nose: Smelt of ripe berries to begin with

Sip: My least favourite as it stung a bit and was like engine oil

Swallow: Lots of muscle to this drink bursting with some intense flavour but it was drying and the cheese was far too sweet. It gave me a serious case of carpet mouth and I did not appreciate that.

Beacon Shiraz 2006 paired with Blue Tower

Look: Beautifully rich with great legs like Miranda Kerr

Nose: An aroma of fruitcake and brandy is giving me such a rush

Sip: It’s quite heady with rich punch to it

Swallow: Quite a serious after-burn with some deep leathery tastes, yet paired with the cheese, it was very Moorish.

Spice Route Malabar 2006 paired with Dark chocolate (R350)

Look: Rich and powerful looking

Nose: Enchanting scents of plum, vanilla and treacle sponge

Sip: Opulent fruit-filled flavours with a tinge of chilli and chocolate

Swallow: Made with 5 different grape varieties it is perfectly divine. There is a slight spicy kick to it but mainly smooth and sweet with a hidden coffee flavour. Paired with the tiniest slither of dark chocolate, I was literally drooling.

La Beryl Rouge 2010 paired with two types of cheese, Paprika and pepper cream cheese and chakalaka cream cheese

Look: It’s beautifully brilliant ruby red

Nose: Smells of raisons, treacle and fairgrounds selling candyfloss. Unfortunately it was served on ice therefore the full potency of the flavours couldn’t be fully released.

Sip: Describing it would never do it justice. If it was warmer, I guarantee that it would be out of this world.

Swallow: Sweet Mother of the pope, I’m saved. It is a soulful and incredibly fruitilicious wine. I almost don’t want to tell you about it in fear of you buying too much!

8 uses for wine that you might not know about

1) Run out of gas? Don’t worry, just grab that bottle of Tassenberg and pour into your engine.

2) Got a boring white top that needs a bit of life injected into it? Throw wine on yourself and be amazed at how many compliments you get from your friends.

3) Have an over active pet/child in the evenings? Make some mulled wine and give it to them. Watch how your evenings become the perfect “you” time.

4) Need a bath but your worried about wasting water? Fill your tub with wine, light some candles and relax. This is also very good for the environment too as it saves on washing up glasses. Added bonus, wine osmosis.

5) Suffering from a cold, the flu or another annoying ailment? Drown it with wine. It might not remove it but it will certainly help you care less.

6) Need a reason to take a day off work? Get yourself a glass of Obikwa Cabernet Sauvignon empty it, now repeat until bottle is finished. Lie down on your bed and wake up only when you can once again feel your legs

7) Wine has been linked to improving eyesight, to take full advantage of this research, pour wine into your eyes.

8) We have all heard of using wine as bait for getting women but what about using it as a defence weapon. Cederburg Chenin Blanc 2010 is so potent that upon opening the bottle, that crazy hag who has been causing you so much stress will evaporate from the sheer acidic smell.

Fairview

I love Fairview.

It was the first winery that Brett took me to over 3 years ago. In fact, it was one of our first "dates".

It's changed a lot in that time with the tasting room being redecorated, the restaurant enlarged and a steady stream of new servers filling your glass.

What I have realised though is that Fairview doesn't do nice wine. Maybe a lot of you will disagree with me but there are only 4 wines that I like and two are Limited editions. That is pretty poor when you see the extent of their collection. However, I am not faulting Faiview at all because they have done amazingly well because they know their market and they stick to it AND they make La Beryl Rouge which is my favourite wine in the entire world. Also, their cheeses are so delicious.

We chose our serving bar and weren't greeted with much joy by the servers, which is one of my pet peeves at Fairview. Back in the day (hate that phrase) the servers used to be like your best friends. They knew the wines, knew what you would like and didn't stick with just letting you have 6 wines to taste. Nowadays, it's like walking in to a prison. "Glass. Wine. Next", are the orders barked at you but let me not dwell on this too much because things can change....

Anyway, for this particular tasting, I decided to be adventurous and go for some white wines as well:

Riesling R35
Look: 
Faint yellow colour which doesn't inspire me with hope.
Nose: 
A slight hint of fruitiness to it but still resembles the odour of stale wee
Sip: 
Leaves a fresh taste in your mouth of bitter and sweet.
Swallow: 
It wasn't half bad. I've been really wanting to try this type of grape and as a first time, I had no real qualms with it.

Viognier R70
Look: 
Muddled yellow.
Nose: 
Remember when you went to visit your elderly Grandma and every time you went to hug her (which was never often) you would get hit with a waft of urine. That was what I got from smelling that wine.
Sip: 
I wouldn't say that I could taste the apricots but there was a slight peachy aftertaste.
Swallow: 
Very palatable so no complaints but I did have to hold my nose for it.

Pinotage (note the unhappy face)
Look: 
Reddish-purple but not proud like Plaisir de Merle

Nose: 

Sweet almost coffee-like tint to it.

Sip: 
Burnt coffee beans mixed with firewood. Very earthy

Swallow: 
I'm not sure why it had to taste like a vat of toxic acid. Maybe it was having a bad day, I know I sure was after spitting that away.

Special Late Harvest

Look: 
I love a strong golden colour and this wasn't it.

Nose: 

When your Special Late Harvest smells like cat litter then you know it's a very bad day.

Sip: 

Better than the smell but then that wasn't asking for much.

Swallow: 

They say it has a "long finish". What they fail to tell you is how the finish will have you almost coughing up blood. 

La Beryl Blanc

Look: 

Beautifully golden. How I imagine Rapunzel's hair to be like.

Nose: 
Stunning array of fruity scents reminding you of lazy summer days.

Sip: 
An orchestra of heavenly apricot and peach flavours floating around your mouth.

Swallow: 

Oh sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln. I've got golden syrup swirling around my stomach. I'm a very happy girly again.

As you can see, upon making friendly banter with our server, she blossomed into a starlett and was an awesome help.