How to rate wine

Not your typical rating scale because, let's face it , not everyone understands the whole "tannins" and 'nose" description which I'm sure was severely thumb sucked.

Therefore, I use my own devised testing method called the "Eye" test.

Firstly, eye up your glass.
Look at the colour of the wine. If it is a white, is it a light straw colour, does it have a greenish tint or does it resemble your morning wee?
Check for bits of cork floating around or even worse, does it look as though someone back washed in it.

NB: You've seen those people swirl their wine around and inspect the sides of the glass. Until recently, I thought they were simply mixing the wine rather like a cocktail but it's actually a way of looking at the body of the wine. Is it a buxom babe or a skinny minnie?

Secondly, get close to the wine.
Put your face up close and personal with your wine. Does it sting your eyes to the point of wanting to rip them out or are there pleasant aromas that cover your eyeballs with either delicate or flavoursome kisses?

Thirdly, Taste the wine.
Take a sip and hold it. Are you crying with joy or from the molten lava that is threatening to erode your esophagus?

Fourthly, Swallow the wine.
Have you just sipped heaven, are you languishing in hell or was it so insipid that you could have just bought bottled water? Also, are your eyes okay?

For our ratings, we're going to use the following chart:

Looks:
 Brilliantly enchanting. A work of art.
 Lekker colouring and nice "legs"
 Looks like wine. Bonus.
  Watery, filmy and with no body.
 Something is growing in it

Nose:
Like rubbing your nose into an angel's armpit
 Smells fruity, delicious and tantalising
It brings a slight painful tear but it's still reasonable
Your eyes are streaming and it's making your nose itch
Your sockets are now hollow and your nose is ready to pack it in

Sip:
 Sunbeams, rainbows and visions of unicorns
 Delightful and almost inspiring,
Probably tastes better in food and without the slight burning
Perhaps you just drank piss?
Half your face has melted


Swallow:
 A giant hug to your tummy. It's almost emotional
 You're seeing stars (good ones)
 Fairly easy drinking.  Use the rest in cooking
   Feels as though you have fibre glass in your stomach
 You had a Stomach. Use rest of bottle as a doorstop