How to survive a day at work with alcohol.

1) There is nothing quite like a shot of tequila to start a rumble in your belly and to help you move from a sleepy disposition to a rather energized bunny. At least when you get to work, there'll be something other than sleepy dust in your eyes.

2) To drown out the meaningless sound of your boss's dulcit tones when he drones on and on in Monday morning meetings, try lacing your tea with absinthe. Not only will his tales of his time spent in the Kruger become a comedic experience, but you may even start to see him as one of the big five.

3) 10am snack time calls for a tot of whiskey coz nothing says 'Hells Bells, let's move this sh!t along' like some Jack Daniels.

4) Lunch is the time when all the plebs congregate in the kitchen and you have to listen to people's boring weekend habits like 'I made pot roast but the meat was off so I doused it with salt and my husband couldn't tell the difference.' What is needed now is a clean, long glass of vodka. Neat. No one will be able to tell that it isn't water as it leaves no aftetaste and has no smell. Now sip. Smile. Nod.

5) I always need to wet my whistle at about 3ish and nothing helps me get through the last 2 hours of work than a gin and tonic. I always feel decidedly British when I drink it and it gives me that stiff upper lip to cope with the remaining bull of the day.

6) Home time calls for a celebration. Break out that rum and feel the magic moving through your legs as you kick off the rubbish of the day and laugh over the perpetuable crap that you don't get paid enough to deal with.

Acid attack

In the name of wine I drink all sorts of liquids that claim they were once grapes. Today was no exception. As Spring draws ever closer threatening Winter with its milder climate, I find myself reaching for the lighter things in life. That big blustery Shiraz stays in the wine fridge at work stays put and out comes the Sauvignon and Chenin Blancs. Unfortunately the pickings were slim at the office and myself and a team of experts (I use this term loosely for fear of their being a qualification war) were supplied with the following, of which we give our honest assessment:

These descriptions may offend but, we were ‘under the influence’.

D’aria Music Sauvignon Blanc 2011

Sprightly and gay was what I wanted, insipid and lack-lustre was what I got. Less fresh grass and more raw courgette. Less fresh exotic fruit and more ‘made in China’ plastic fruit.

Fort Simon Chenin Blanc 2009

I find that wine has the ability to bring out my more descriptive of expressions and my first thought was ‘this tastes like my dead Grandma’s Arctic Fox  fur stole.’

It was beautifully golden and there were hints of pineapple and the potential for a special late harvest but it proceeded to produce moth balls that clung to your tongue preventing the ability to understand anything those who sat next to you were saying.

It’s something you’d find in a retirement home behind a glass case that has never been opened because some old dear lost the key in her bed pan.

Hoopenburg Chardonnay 2011

If I had fillings, they would have melted. There was enough acid in it to strip a tank and possibly the bodies inside it. As we each tried to compose ourselves and prevent our stomachs from curling up and dying, we could all taste Cod Liver Oil and no not the healthy ‘take one a day’ tablets, but the oil of a viciously slaughtered cod-fish.

I strongly believe that had I been in possession of a bottle of this wine when I was repainting my house, I would have used it as thinners.

Jonkheer Africa: The Future. Together in Wine.

On Wednesday night we attended the launch for the Samora Biko Limited Edition Shiraz at 15 on Orange in Cape Town. We went with due excitement at the prospect of such a unique partnership steeped in history as well as the opportunity to meet and mingle with wine folks who seriously have no boundaries when it comes to having a good time.

The food was delicious, the speeches meaningful and the unveiled Shiraz, hailing from Bonnievale, was young yet full of potential with a nose of forest berries. It's a wine that will undoubtedly age very well and as part of the Jonkheer Africa range, will hopefully accompanied by other wines in 2013.

The gift bag was a big disappointment though. Comprising of a DVD and a black wrapped bottle, I was excited at the prospect of going home with my very own Shiraz but once home and unwrapped, we found that it was a bottle of Pinotage. The design looked as though it had been created in a hurry with the label stuck on in equal haste.

However, the entertainment was amazeballs with the Black Ties taking us through a range of croon-worthy songs in their smooth, chocolaty vocals. Yes, I did rock it on the dance floor along with Mr Biko and his lovely wife.

Mooiplaas

Every so often, one finds a hidden gem amongst the Winelands and Mr H and I were fortunate to do just that. Hidden down a bumpy gravel road and shielded from the world by oak trees and vines, Mooiplass stands just waiting to be discovered by wine lovers. The tasting room itself dates back 300 years and the trees are perhaps older still. The greeting you get is friendly and warm but the knowledge that our tasting room assistant demonstrated was mind-blowing. I could have stayed there for hours listening to her as she described the types of soil that is used for each grape variety, the pairing suggestions and the history of Mooiplass. The tasting is R10 per person and that includes as many wines as you wish to pair, I'm not joking. That is one of the reasons why I don't remember the lady who helped us *cough* I was a little, teeny weeny, tiny, bit tipsy.

The wines are lovely and the variety is huge. I never realised that most of their wines have won awards, even double golds.

For wine lovers out there, you must try this estate especially as they have a wonderfully meaty and smokey Pinot Noir that screams "Middle Ages" at you as well as a Cabernet Franc that has the aroma and initial taste of chilli peppers!

Bilton wine and chocolate tasting

South Africa is home of amazing wines and food experiences. If you've never had a mouth orgasm then you need to relocate to Cape Town and "get some!". I got some when I headed to Bilton wine estate.
Bilton has not been in my good books. The first time I went there was for their wine and chocolate tasting about a year ago and it was so disappointing that I felt like bottling my vomit and sending it to them. You see, chocolate is difficult to pair with wine because of the sweetness and the tannins which don't match. However, I am a big believer in second chances and so I let my senses be subjected to Bilton's new chocolate tasting course. Boy do I stand corrected!

Chocolats Marionettes (check out the delicious offerings here) is now on the menu and it is possibly the best chocolate you have ever tasted and the wines go perfectly together as if angels pooped them out. The pairings were:

Cabernet Sauvignon and Espresso chocolate
Shiraz and Cape Malay milk chocolate
Merlot and 65% Venezuela chocolate
Sauvignon Blanc and Lime infused white chocolate

I don't want to explain too much about the magic that erupts in your mouth when you combine the chocolate and wine because I need you to go and experience it for yourself and a little bit of mystery is very, oooh, sexy.

Why Women like champagne...

1) Women like to appear classy. In my eyes, and it is only my opinion so don't get bitchy, nothing says dyke alert more than a girl swigging a pint. A real lady wants to give off the appearance of sophistication and champers does just that. Even better if it is Bollinger.
2) Nothing gets you tipsier quicker than bubbly. There is just something about bubbles that gets into your blood stream at a rapid rate which actually makes it a very cost effective tipple. Men take note.
3) Women are prone to like golds and pinks which makes for a gorgeous champagne colour too. It just screams femininity.
4) Red wine can stain the mouth in a very unsightly manner. Champagne does none of that but instead, adds sparkle to your teeth.
5) It's in the movies. No girly party is complete without the fizz. (See the Sex & The City movie etc.)
6) Champagne makes you giggly. Girls love to giggle. In fact, we see it as a cute ploy to get men to notice us. What we don't realise is that sometimes, with bubbly, a giggle can turn into a snort. Even worse, try gracefully sipping your champagne whilst grunting like a pig and see which orifice it comes out of...
7)Women like to talk. In fact, they hardly ever shut up. Champagne is primarily used as an accompaniment to toasts, the boring part of weddings and events in which people can drone on endlessly (see movie Bridesmaids). Therefore, why would women not like a drink that inspires more yadda yadda?
8) Keeping in the vein of speeches and weddings, women often have a malicious streak and get satisfaction from seeing men struggle to drink from a thin narrow flute. As an alcoholic beverage, it is so unmanly that women never need worry about men stealing it from them. Bonus.
9) Women just want to get rat-faced and by doing it on champagne, they defy the laws of alcohol by getting pissed on a drink that really only promises a slight buzz. Congratulations Ladies, you prove to us once again that you don't even need spirits to have a good time.

From the expert opinion of a University graduate....(don't take it too much to heart)

Men, Wine & Sushi

Most of the men in my life are big sushi fans. Brett in particular is addicted to the stuff which I find as repulsive as shoving my face in a steaming cowpat. Nevertheless, I will not stop him from enjoying it and so, a few moons back, he had  his cousin and Wayne over to make their very own Sushi and drink copious amounts of alcohol...wait, that was me doing the drinking.
Having purchased a Sushi making dvd and his very own Sushi knife, Brett was prepared to tackle those salmon roses like a pro...his friends however, were not. What happened was a mess of rice, wasabi and tears, from me laughing too hard.
Wayne's first attempt at making a roll should go in the Sushi hall of shame. Dousing his seaweed with far too much rice, Wayne made for himself a roll the size of an 8year old's leg.

It got better though, and whilst I enjoyed eating pop tarts and drinking Bon Courage Red Muscadel, the boys really did me proud with their creations.

 I however, will never be persuaded to eat Sushi....although, i'll willingly accept a challenge off any Sushi restaurant that wants to try and convert me..*wink wink*