Tuesday 14 June 2011

Sp-URGH

Guest Post by Wayne....

In the name of duty, service and perhaps also stupidity. I nobly decided that we would dedicate our time to aiding the most prolific wine writer to pass through the vats in recent years

Brett and I decided to enter Spur to test their wines and pair them with the Spur R20 breakfast.
This already sounds like the beginning of a horror novel.

Our table was sunny and warm with great views, interrupted only by swarms of pre-teen schoool kids on "educational" tours of the airport which would only have been worthwhile if they had actually left them there.

With great gusto we ordered our breakfasts with us only differing on the eggs, one scrambled and one sunny side up. 

And then, we chose 3 wine to test (in a pairing contest of sorts).
The wines, from the Botteleray Range, arrived BOTTLED which was the first shock because we really believed that Spur only believed in "wines by the glass" that originated from a BOX so kudos to them....for now.
Our waitress, Mompie, (didn't want to ask how she got that name for fear of blushing) was our wine connoisseur and diligently introduced each wine to us:

The Red wine was "from red grapes" and was "definitely NOT a Merlot."
The White was described as "something a bit sweeter...I think Chenin Blanc?" 
And finally the Rose was introduced as "some red wine mixed with some white wine".


All of this shocking testimony proved beyond reasonable doubt that Spur Waitresses couldn't up-sell wine if they tried...!
  

I paired the White with my scrambled egg, half hoping that it would taste like a Chardonnay. I should have been hoping that it would have tasted of anything at all as it was possibly the worst white wine I have ever had in my short life. One could describe it as something a little more interesting than Valpre bottled water, or maybe Valpre with a dash of cat pee. It was so disgusting that my eggs started to curdle in my mouth as I chewed.

The Red wine was less "gagable" and far more fun. Paired with Spurs greasy, oil ridden streaky bacon it was light, slightly fruity and left no residual aftertaste. In fact, it is the type of wine you could happily serve at a braai after 3 good wines, and everybody would think it was FANTASTIC!!!

But all good things must come to an end.

Brett and I looked at the Rosé like participants in Fear Factor who were on the verge of shooting back Cow's Blood. Perhaps it was the colour that was putting us off as it was neither a light nor a dark pink but resembled a sort of sunlight grapefruit dishwater pink.

We decided to pair this with our so-called grilled tomato which was actually hard and pretty much semi-frozen. We gingerly took a sip of wine.

My whole life flashed before my eyes. Nightmares of my misled youth started to re-surface!!! Remember the dentist's chair as a kid?  Remember that chloroform filled pink ladybug-coloured cocktail that you had to use to rinse your mouth after tooth extraction???

Well......IT WAS BACK!!

Brett thought I was having a stroke the Rosé was that bad!

After gaining consciousness, all I can say is, if you are going to try eating at Spurs then stay well away from their wine. You are better off sticking to bad Spoornet-style coffee in greasy coffee cups....

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